


I Miss You

by momentsintimex



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Cemetery, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Mentions of Suicide, Post Connor's death, grieving zoe, this is just sad i'm sorry, zoe talking to connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 08:15:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12677961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: Zoe's graduation from high school is supposed to be a day for happiness and celebration for a huge milestone in her life and everything that lies ahead for her in the future.All Zoe can think about is how her brother isn't here to see it.





	I Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> song title is from I Miss You by Blink-182
> 
> i had the inspiration to write this yesterday afternoon and well, this happened pretty quickly. i'm sorry i know it's probably a mess and sad and everything that i never thought i'd write at least in this moment? but i did and now we're here and there's just a lot of emotion.

Graduation day is supposed to be a day of celebration, a day of happiness.

Zoe Murphy’s graduation day is the opposite.

She knows she should be excited. Graduating with honors is a huge deal, and spending the night celebrating with her friends and family is all Zoe wanted. She wanted to be happy, she wanted to be excited about leaving high school behind, moving onto college where she knew she’d make a ton of friends and a million new memories.

But there was a hole in her heart. A hole that nothing could ever heal or replace.

She and Connor were not best friends, at least not when they were teenagers. Often times they fought, Connor would threaten to kill her and she’d call him a psychopath. She feared him, to put it lightly. She feared for her safety, that one day he would try to kill her. But most of all, she feared for his own safety.

She remembers hearing the news that Connor had died like it was yesterday. She remembers her mother hysterical on the phone with her father, saying that he had been found by the police in the park with an empty pill bottle in his pocket. He died at the hospital just over an hour later with Cynthia and Larry both by his side.

Zoe had waited in the waiting room after briefly mumbling some sort of goodbye to him. She couldn’t see him take his last breaths. She hated that the last image of her brother was him with a breathing tube shoved down his throat, and the last words he said to her was that she was an annoying bitch.

She remembers the chills that ran through her body when everything began to process. Her brother had taken his own life, the burdens of the world too much for him. She hated that that’s what it had come to, hated that they didn’t try to get him help sooner, that he felt like no one cared about him.

The weeks and months following his death were the worst of Zoe’s life. Her parents fought more than ever, finally enrolling in marriage counseling at Zoe’s insistence that what little piece of the family was left was falling apart. Her dad never wavered once in his opinion that Connor wanted attention, and Zoe spent nights fighting with her parents about how they failed Connor, that they barely put in the effort to help him.

One by one her friends began to trickle away, and Zoe became more withdrawn. She had a few friends when she graduated, but none of them understood how she felt.

She hoped none of them had to understand.

Zoe had gone to a grief counselor in the months after Connor's death, talking through things with the woman who explained that it was okay to feel anything that she felt. It ended in a lot of tears, a lot of closed fists and questions as to why she didn’t miss her brother as much as she thought she should. She was told that it had a lot to do with their relationship when he died, how things were rocky and that contributed to how she felt about him dying.

Zoe didn’t buy it.

The first holiday season without Connor was the worst that Zoe had ever remembered, and she felt like that was saying something judging by how the last few holiday seasons went when Connor was alive.

They exchanged gifts, but Connor’s stocking stays hung on the fireplace, no gifts overflowing from it and no presents under the tree with his name on them. It doesn’t feel right, Zoe thinks. None of this felt right, and she knew her parents felt the same way.

Larry ends up at the bar by mid-afternoon, and Zoe and Cynthia end up ordering Chinese. It’s the only thing that Zoe felt like was appropriate in the whole day.

Now she finds herself, a year and a half after her brother’s death, standing at her graduation ceremony. A year to the day since they were supposed to be sitting at Connor’s own high school graduation. Her skin crawls at the thought of her making it further in school than him. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.

She hates it.

She receives her diploma, looking out to where she knew her parents were sitting with her grandparents.

Connor wasn’t there.

She bites her lip until it bleeds to stop the tears. The guy she’s sitting next to asks her if she’s okay, and she just nods. She doesn’t trust herself to talk to him without crying.

She thinks he knows why she’s so upset. She’s just grateful he doesn’t say anything about it.

She meets up with her family when the ceremony ends, the hugs lasting longer than normal. Zoe’s okay with that.

“We’re so proud of you,” Cynthia says, her eyes filled with tears. Zoe knows they’re not all for her.

“Thanks,” Zoe whispers, turning to hug her father and grandparents quickly. “I know my party is in a few hours, but would you mind if I went out for a little while alone? I’ll be home well before the party, and I’ll help set up when I’m back,” She promises, and Cynthia nods immediately.

“Take your time,” She says, and Zoe has a feeling her mom knows where she’s going.

She walks back to her car, stopping for photos with some friends with promises to take a million more that night when they come over for her party. They smile at her and she attempts to smile back, but her eyes are glossy and she's fairly sure it comes out as a grimace. She walks to her car before they say anything about it.

Zoe turns her radio far too loud when she leaves the parking lot of her high school for the final time, blasting Blink-182 and singing along at the top of her lungs.

It’s the most alive she’s felt all day.

She doesn’t have to think about where she’s going, her mind subconsciously takes her there.

When she drives through the gates of the cemetery she turns the radio down to a more acceptable level, finding it slightly inappropriate to blast songs where people are mourning the loss of loved ones.

She tries not to think about how if Connor were sat in the passenger seat he would’ve turned the music right back up, rolling down all the windows and singing at the top of his lungs. It makes her laugh.

Pulling her car over to the side of the road Zoe takes a deep breath, shutting the car off. Her legs suddenly feel like lead, like if she steps out of the car she’s going to collapse.

She forces herself to do it anyway.

She’s been to the cemetery more than she thought she would have been since Connor was buried, mostly when she needed to get out of the house and away from her parents fighting. She brings flowers sometimes, despite knowing full well that Connor would’ve hated flowers.

She does it mostly for herself. It helps her feel like she’s being nice after years of not being great towards him.

She doesn’t have anything this time except for the flowers her parents had given her after graduation. Shrugging her graduation gown off she leaves it on the driver’s seat and reaches across to the passenger seat, pulling the flowers into her hands. Her mom will understand why she doesn’t come home with them.

The sun is beating down on the cemetery, birds chirping in the trees lining the streets next to the plots. Zoe’s legs carry her through the rows of headstones, stopping when she reaches the one that’s all too familiar.

**CONNOR L. MURPHY**  
**A LOVING SON AND BROTHER**  
**2000-2017**

Sinking down to the prickly grass, Zoe sets the flowers at the base of her brother’s headstone, running her fingers over the cool granite.

“Hey,” She says, sitting down on the grass and taking a deep breath. “I um, I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you in a while. Exams were crazy, and I was trying to enjoy my last few weeks of high school. Which was basically impossible to enjoy with everything going on, by the way,” She says quietly, fiddling with the bracelet on her wrist.

The bracelet Connor had given her for Christmas when she was 12. The one that she now never took off.

“I graduated high school today. I’d like to think that you were there in spirit, you know? That you would’ve been proud of me if you were here in person. You would’ve probably been so obnoxious at the ceremony. Yelling my name and embarrassing me,” She laughs, because in the state Connor left the Earth that would’ve been opposite of how he would’ve reacted.

She likes to pretend that that Connor didn’t exist. That the Connor that left this Earth was the one that was her best friend, that was always proud of her — even when she messed up.

She knows that’s an awful coping mechanism, but it’s all that works.

“I’m going to college in the fall. Studying to be a grief counselor. It’s going to take me forever before I’m finally certified, but I hope maybe I’ll be able to help people feel better the way that the grief counselors helped me feel better when you…when you died.”

Zoe swallows the lump in her throat, taking a moment to look away from her brother’s headstone. She notice an older woman in the row behind Connor’s leaving flowers at a headstone. She wonders if she's going to sit and talk to her family member, too.

“Everyone is back at the house getting ready for my graduation party. Grandma and Grandpa have been here all week. Mom and Dad aren’t letting them stay in your room, obviously. That hasn’t been touched since…well since everything happened. But I think Mom is about to suffocate with them staying with us. You’d probably have made some stupid joke about it by now, and I would’ve laughed but Mom would’ve given us that look and Dad would’ve said how we needed to behave in front of family.”

“All our aunts and uncles and cousins are coming, but all I can think about is how much I wish you were going to be there with us. How I wish I could find you in the sea of relatives we barely know, and you and I could sneak upstairs to your room and play games until Dad would find us and we’d get in trouble. Because all I really want to do today is hide away from everyone.”

Zoe wipes at her eyes, sniffling as she takes a shaky breath. She looks up towards the sky, squinting her eyes when the sun became too bright.

“I miss you, Connor. I miss you more than I ever thought I would. More than I ever wanted to miss you, if we’re being honest,” She laughs at that, blinking away the tears. “I just wish you were here, and that I could’ve done more to help you, to save you.”

She sighs, biting her lip as words fly through her mind at a million miles a minute. She doesn’t know what she wants to say, but often times she just comes and spends a few minutes with him. She needs more now, more time with him, more time to cope. There's so many things on her mind that she wants to say to him, but she struggles with where to begin.

Finding those words doesn’t come easy.

“I drove here with Blink-182 blaring. I turned it down when I pulled in the gates, but I thought about how you would’ve probably turned it louder and left all the windows down while you sang obnoxiously.”

“Sometimes when I’m driving in my car I think about how you used to sit slumped in the passenger seat, whining about how lame it was your younger sister had to drive you everywhere. That Mom and Dad shouldn’t have taken your car keys even though you know they had every reason to. I know you hated those car rides with me and you would’ve rather driven yourself. I didn't really like them back then either, but now they’re my favorite memories. They’re my favorite because we rarely fought in the car. You were just there and things felt okay even though they were the furthest thing from okay.”

Her bottom lip wobbles, and she laughs sadly. “Fuck, this is supposed to be a happy day, but all I can think about is how you never made it to your graduation. We never got to see the person you were going to be. We never even got to see the person you were behind all that hurting.”

Another deep breath. A rough, wet cough. “I’m so sorry, Connor. I’m so sorry you hurt so much that you felt like the only way to escape was to take your own life. I’m sorry we failed you. I'm sorry that you and I stopped getting along and I didn't do enough to help you like I know I could've, and that you felt like you couldn't come and tell me how you were feeling. I’m sorry that you’re not here today and you’re not here to make me laugh, or to sneak me away from everyone when things are going to be too overwhelming.”

She punches the ground once, covering her mouth as she sobs. The older woman looks back, giving her a sympathetic smile.

Zoe just lets her head fall.

“I love you, Connor. I know we didn’t have the best relationship. I know that you left this world hating me and I deserved it. I know that you weren’t my favorite either. But I fucking love you, and I never stopped loving you, even when you made it impossible for me to. Even when you threatened to kill me, or you yelled at me when I didn’t deserve it. You're my brother and I always loved you.”

She leans back on her knees, reaching forward and running her fingers along the cool granite, tracing the etching of his name with her fingers. Her nail polish is chipped, just like Connor’s always was.

“I’m going to come more often, if that’s okay with you. I know that it’s not the same as you being here in person, but maybe me visiting will heal some things,” She sighs, memorizing the way his name feels under her touch. “I’m so sorry, Connor. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t the sister you needed.”

She lets her hands fall to her lap, biting her lip. “I should probably go home. Mom and Dad probably need my help before everyone comes over,” She mumbles, as if Connor is going to answer. “I um, I miss you Connor. I’m never going to just stop missing you, I don’t think. I don’t think this is going to get any easier. Please, can you look out for me? Steer me in the right direction, help me through this crazy life. I can’t…I can’t do this alone.”

Slowly, on shaky legs and tears still streaming down her face Zoe stands up, taking a deep breath and running her fingers along the rough edges of the top of her brother’s headstone. “I’ll be back soon, Connor. I love you.”

Her legs carry her back to her car, where she shuts the door and lets her head fall against the steering wheel. She hits it a few times, letting out a strangled sob as the tears fall again. She gives herself a few minutes before wiping her eyes, slowly making her way home when she feels like it's safe for her to drive.

Later that night, when the Murphy’s house and backyard are filled with friends and family celebrating her graduation Zoe looks up at the sky, noticing a blue balloon that didn’t come from her party decorations floating by.

She pretends it’s from Connor. Giving her a sign that he’s there, just like she asked from him hours before.

Somehow she feels like everything is going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed this even though i know it was sad, thank you for reading it <3
> 
> you can find me on tumblr :) for-f0rever.tumblr.com


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